Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Yankees Buy Another World Series Title

The following is a work of satire in the mold of "The Onion." None of the quotes attributed to in the piece are real. It is entirely a work of fiction. Enjoy...

Yankees Buy Another World Series Title

Completing a week that featured a whirlwind of activity and intense negotiations, sources inside the New York Yankees organization revealed late last night that they will be holding a press conference this morning to announce that they have acquired the rights to the Florida Marlins' 2003 World Series Championship. This latest deal marks the latest in a series of acquisitions that now leaves the Yankees with 38 World Championships to their credit.

"Today is a tremendous day for the entire New York Yankees organization," said Yankees Senior Vice President Hank Steinbrenner. "To be able to provide another World Series title for our fans is really what it's all about and is what makes this job truly rewarding."

The deal is said to include a one-time payment of $30 million dollars, which combined with the money the Marlins anticipate they can raise from selling off their 2003 World Series rings, should be able to combat the high deficits the organization is dealing with in the face of a struggling economy. The Yankees, by contrast, believe that they can generate enough revenue from the sale of 2003 Yankees World Champions merchandise to offset a good portion of the payment. Correspondingly, the Marlins front office has issued a press release announcing a recall of all Marlins' championship paraphernalia from 2003.

This purchase is the twelfth such deal the Yankees have struck over the last few months as part of a new campaign to use their massive financial resources to buy World Championships. The idea was spawned in an off-season meeting when Steinbrenner, frustrated that his strategy of doling out hundreds of millions of dollars to sign top players kept backfiring, realized that it made more sense to spend money to secure championships in a way that wouldn't be left to risky propositions such as the bounce of a ball or the swing of a bat. After being turned down by the commissioner's office in their attempt to suspend the rest of the 2009 season and be declared World Champions in exchange for the sum of $150 million, the Yankees turned to past championships, which legally are considered the property of individual teams, who are therefore free to sell them.

The Yankees' spending spree has been met with much controversy across the baseball world. "We simply can't compete with them," said Kansas Royals General Manager Dayton Moore. "They have their own television network, a brand new state of the art stadium, and unparalleled resources with which to buy championships. A small-market team like us doesn't stand a chance."

Not surprisingly, most Yankees fans have lauded the organization's efforts. "My son turned fifteen this past winter. He was too young to remember the 2000 series, so he has had to endure eight insufferable seasons following this team without seeing them win a single championship. That's a tragedy," said Joe Bradley, a lifelong Yankees fan. "We are truly grateful to Mr. Steinbrenner, who with his passion for winning and commitment to spending has enabled my son to attend twelve ticker tape parades in the last 5 months." When asked if the current Yankees’ policy was bad for baseball as a whole, Bradley responded, "Other teams are free to do the same thing and invest their money back in the team exactly the same way, but they're too cheap. That's why we have 38 championships and they don't."

The 2003 purchase means that the Yankees now won World Championships in a remarkable nine straight years from 1995-2003, having previously purchased the championships of the 1995 Braves, 1997 Marlins, 2001 Diamondbacks and 2002 Angels. It appears that they will come up empty in their quest for a streak of ten straight championships as the commissioner's office has been steadfast in their position that the Yankees could not be declared the champions of the strike-shortened 1994 season and the refusal of the Boston Red Sox to part with their 2004 title for any amount of money. According to Red Sox President and CEO Larry Lucchino, the 2004 championship was "one prize the Evil Empire will never get its tentacles around."

As part of its Yankees Classics series, the YES network will air the 2003 World Series, with its revised footage, in its entirety this week. "It means more work for me," said Yankees' play-by-play announcer John Sterling, "but that's what being a true Yankee is all about. We work just a little harder and go that extra mile in the spirit of the tremendous Yankee tradition. That's why we have 38 championships."

Still, others around the league are in denial about the Yankees' latest exploitation of their competitive advantage. "I don't care what anyone says. We won that championship," said Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett, who was a member of the 2003 Marlins. "They can buy all the championships they want, but they can't buy heart and they can't buy soul." Steinbrenner would not comment on a rumor that the Yankees were in negotiations to buy Beckett's heart and soul.

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